My Dream And My Heart Will Go On

I've mentioned my dad's old drawer a few times in previous posts; that it is my dream to sit by it and write my book. That it has always been my dream, and that it is standing in a storage room in Sweden awaiting a shipment to Spain. Yeah, well, I still don't have the funds or the way to bring it to me, but at least now I have some photos to look at and dream away to. I thought I'd share those photos with you today. 

The story behind this drawer is that it belonged to my dad (I have no idea where he got it from) and he'd had it for as long as I can remember. I don't remember when I first told him that I wanted it, but I remember always wanting it. My dad always used to answer me that it would be mine when he died. Obviously, I never wanted him to die, but I still wanted the drawer. I think it meant a lot to him that I wanted it. I'm not even sure what it is about it that attracts me so much, it is just a feeling I have, that we belong together, and it hurts me to think of it standing there alone in a dark storage room far, far away from me and where it's supposed to be.

When my dad got sick, and we were told there was nothing to do to save him, my sister and I asked him to write down what he wanted for his final wishes. He had some wishes for his funeral, some things he wanted to say to us, and two things he wanted a special person to have, one of them was that I should have the drawer. It hurts me even more to think of the drawer not being with me because of that very reason. 

I know it will all fall into place one day, though, and I will be able to bring it here, so at the moment I am learning how to not put my writing dream too much together with the dream of the drawer, because the writing can't wait. I need to write first, and the drawer will be brought here. One way or another. 

The choice of song for this post was easy because today we learned that the world has lost one of it's greatest composers, James Horner. Mr Horner composed some of the best film scores ever composed, including the amazing My Heart Will Go On from Titanic. As much as I love the lyrics of the song, and they would fit tremendously well with the feelings I have right now thinking of my dad and his drawer, James Horner composed the music, but didn't write the lyrics, and so I wanted to find an instrumental rendition of it. 

In an interview, with the Los Angeles Times in 2009, James Horner said about his composing; "My job /--/ is to make sure at every turn of the film it's something the audience feel with their heart. When we lose a character, when somebody wins, when somebody loses, when someone disappears - at all times I'm keeping track, constantly, of what the heart is supposed to be feeling. That is my primary role." I think that was the key to his success, he was feeling everything in his heart. And that is how I want to write. With my heart. 

Here is my choice for today; Taylor Davis, an amazing violinist, and wow, my heart is certainly feeling it!

Love//

Carina

My Dream of Writing

Did I ever mention I love writing? Yeah, I think I did. And I do. When I was a kid I dreamed of writing, like all the time. I was a blond, cute little tomboy who loved climbing trees, playing military, reading and painting. 

As soon as I learned how to read I spent as much time as I possibly could doing it. I read comics of all sorts and books, I preferred mysteries or crime. I read wherever I was, even at birthday parties if I could sneak away and hide in a corner somewhere. I had my nose in a book, a lot. And I dreamed about writing. How cool wouldn't it be to spend all of my time reading and writing? 

Of course, grownups told me differently. Writing was not cool, and it was not practical. It might be something you do in your spare time, if you have any. They told me to stop dreaming and live in the reality. I didn't like the reality, but I didn't really have a choice. And since it was always very hard for me not to get to write and dream full time, I stopped doing it all together. Sure, I still dreamed about a lot of different things, and from time to time even about becoming a writer, but that's all it was. Dreams. And dreams were just not supposed to come true. They were dreams. Not reality. Big difference. 

And so wrong. I knew it wasn't right, but who was I to say. Who was I to tell the grownups they had it all wrong. So I kept quiet. I spent the next 20 years or so hiding my dreams away. Until I finally came to realization that dreams are there as a guideline to your happiness.  

Still, looking back, the dream about writing was always lurking underneath the surface, and sometimes it would show itself. Looking back I realize that every time I moved in to a new home I had a vision of where I would sit and do my writing. I would even take that into consideration choosing a home. And sometimes I would start writing, but then reality caught up with me and I stopped. 

My dad had a bureau that I loved, not for how it looked, but because I could see myself sitting there, writing. As a child I told him I wanted it, every time I was there, and he told me that when he died it would become mine. Unfortunately, it is now mine. And, unfortunately, it is not here in Spain with me. It is in a storage room back in Sweden. I'm hoping this will be the year I will be able to bring it here. Because it is a part of me, and my writing, and my dream.

So, my breakthrough when it comes to writing came a few years ago, and then I got scared and stopped again. But now, finally, I am there. I am writing, I am putting myself out there. In the line of fire. And, no, I am not yet making any money doing it. But I know it is only a matter of time. 

As a step on my writing journey I've set up an account on Patreon. Patreon is a crowdfunding platform where fans can pledge any amount to artists they enjoy and would like to help out in reaching their dreams. In return the fan, Patron, gets a reward. And the pride and satisfaction of helping someone live their dreams. The pledge can be as little as you wish, even less than 1 dollar, or as big as you wish. It's all up to you. It is per month, so you will never be charged more than what you choose to pledge. You can at any time, up until the money is withdrawn from your account at the beginning of the following month, withdraw your pledge. You are not obliged to stay on as a Patron even a minute longer than you want to. Just cancel it, at any time. And come back, at any time. Change how much you pledge, at any time. It's all your choice.

As a Patron to several other artists I know that it works. I have tried it all. And I know that I personally love being a Patron, knowing that I make a difference in someone's life, and dream.

I would love and appreciate any support you want to give me, but even if you don't want to become a Patron you are more than welcome to check out my Patreon page. I will sometimes put some stories on there that I will not post here, for everybody to see. Of course, I will also put other stories on there that will be for Patrons alone to see. My first personal goal will be to bring my dad's bureau to me. To bring it home. To bring me home.

And, of course, any support is welcomed, even if all you can do is to follow this blog. I appreciate it all.

Love//

Carina